le monde musical merveilleux

Let's see if I can find something interesting to write about before I run to my lesson...

I am leaving in...five days. Which is both good and also very, very bad. Going home means being in my own bed, my own room, eating real food, being with my family (who I miss dearly), seeing my dog...familiarity. ...which is now officially a word. But it also means boredom. Without the 24/7 music I've come to love. Because I do love it here. I love it a lot. And I've really come to the realization that this is what I want. This is the life I want to choose. This is the type of thing I want to go to school for. I was sure last summer, but this past spring I has a lot of doubts about whether I could do it. I was around people who were way better than I was, and I was kind of realizing how hard I had to work, and I wasn't sure if I could do that. Around the time I was playing the Albinoni and auditioning and playing the Bach double and getting waitlisted and rejected....it was just kinda like, "What am I doing? I'm obviously not good enough for this." And my pessimisstic attitude, despite what I said aloud, was not to try harder. I fell behind. I wasn't working like I could have. I should have practiced more. Focused more. ...enjoyed it more. Really loved it more. But then, miraculously, I was accepted here. It may have been a fluke. I may be the worst violist here. They probably had to settle for me because everyone else didn't come. But...I'm glad they did settle for me when they could have had someone better. Because being here showed me what I could have. And I have reopened my eyes to the world and have had a re-realization at what I want. Last summer it was when i made drastic improvements after working with Mr. Partridge. Slowly, things made sense. And then I fell back, grabbed on again for all-state and auditions, then fell off. Now I'm on again, hopefully for good. Because now I have a very clear sense of what I want from music. When I get back and have my first lesson with Karen, I can tell her exactly what I want to work for. I can tell her what pieces I want to play, what I want to audition for, and how hard I want to be pushed to get there. Because I want to come back next year and I want to say to these people, "I told you I could do it. I worked, and now I'm back. As much as I didn't belong here last year, this time around, I do. And now I'm ready to work twice as hard."

Thank you for listening, world. You have been too kind to me.